bemidji

today is a really hard day for me. i've begun packing up my dorm room. not only has the end of the year arrived, but i am done being a college student-- at least for now. i might go to another school and continue my education, but who knows.

everyone that knows me knows that i save everything. my room is almost always a mess because i cant make myself throw away things that i should. i have no problem cleaning other people's rooms or apartments, because it's not my stuff. with my belongings, everything has a memory tied to it. that's why i have such a hard time packing; my mother, ashley, grant and anyone else who has ever tried to get me to throw away something can attest to this.

i just found a small scrap of styrofoam. i know who the memory is tied to, but i dont remember why i saved it. this is only one example of the things i havent thrown away. the clock that anna gives me that no longer works. an empty bottle of UV that i drank with aliesha. the bottle cap to my first legal drink... do i save it, or throw it away? some stickers i got in the mail from my sister two years ago that i will NEVER use-- it needs to be thrown away. christmas cards, birthday cards, sympathy cards. old address labels from freshmen year; of course i dont need these, so why is it so difficult to throw them away?

going through all my old things, i think of all the memories and people i had in my life at the time. i want to smile and cry at the same time. i miss freshmen year. i miss sophomore year. i dont want anything to change. i love right now. i think back to freshmen year and remember thinking the same thing; 'i want everything to stay the way it is right now'. if it had, i wouldnt have the people who came into my life, the experiences ive had, the things ive accomplished.

i save everything because i cant move on; i become emotionally attached to items from my past. i want to make sure i dont forget a single thing. i always want to live in the past, because that's where i am comfortable. the future is too uncertain, and anything can happen.

i need to let go; i am throwing away that piece of styrofoam. that broken clock. i can free myself of these things, and still hold on to the memories. only without these items can i be fully ready to move on. my heart can be open for the future. .

it was me, my poppa, garrett, ashley and matt. we were sitting on the back of my dad's truck at spirit of hope parking lot, but it was bemidji. a car pulls up and georg gets out. there are about 20 other people there, in little clumps. they all start freaking out. he is walking through them towards us, and he stops about ten feet away. he complains to his assistant, and says 'this is ridiculous! oh, thank god. someone normal.' he looks up at me, and im keeping completely calm, cos i knew he was around screaming fan girls all the time. some girl goes up to have a picture taken with him. right before the flash goes off, he says 'wait. i want her in the picture' and points at me. he was so tall! i went over on his right side and layed my face on his chest. i look over and garrett is laughing uncontrollably, and ashley is trying to get him to shut up. when i went back towards them after the photo, garrett ran off with a huge smile on his face.

then my dream flashed to tamarack. i was following some dude down the stairwell. he went to the fourth floor, and thats when i saw a ramp. the stairs were gone, and now it was just a really steep decline. i slid down to the ground level, and realized it was to the emergency door, so i would have to get back up to first floor. i turned around, and started pulling myself up. up on the wall, there was a huge collage of pictures of ashley and me at the TH concert, and me with georg. there was also a picture of garrett and bill lmao. i took it off the wall, and on the back, ashley had left a message. 'miss bemidji. miss tokio. miss you. '

okay, i keep posting all over the place what i thought about twilight, and i dont want to keep writing everything again and again. the movie. it was okay. i started getting really excited a few days ago, but i knew if i kept my hype that high, it would be no good. i chilled down.
i thought all the characters were great EXCEPT: 

angie. not what i pictured at all, but she was okay
bella. omg really? eew. not at all. kristen cant even act, not convincing or talented.
rosalie. in the book, she is written to be strikingly beautiful. that chick? not so much. also, crappy acting .

no blood typing in class. i was really looking forward to that.

it bothered me how bella's realization was out of sync. in the book, she researched vampires and then talked to edward about it at the resteraunt, instead of buying a book, going out for dinner, reading shit online and then piecing it all together.

and that scene in the woods? was i the only one laughing my ass off? didnt like any of that at all. i thought them in the field was much more intimate, rather than edward pretty much freaking out, saying how horrible he was. and those cheesy sound effects when he was in the sun? OMG kill me know! i was practically in the aisles, rolling around in the smelly carpet!!

edward and bella were having such intimate conversations in public, like standing in the middle of the lunchroom? i dont know, its been awhile since i read twilight, and i cant exactly remember where that conversation took place... who knows, maybe it was in the lunch room. either way, it seemed like he was very unsecretive about his shit, the way he's talkin about it with people close by

the birthday party at the end, you have to have that! i dont know, there were so many things that wouldnt have been that hard to change about the movie. i do like how they introduced jacob at the very beginning as soon as she got her truck. (edit: okay, i thought this was in new moon, but my friend only read twilight, and she was asking where the birthday scene was. im guessing the book she had included the first chaper of new moon or something. lol, i dont know. still confused.)

nomad vamps. too much screen time. no need to have them throughout the entire movie. them making their first appearance at the baseball game would have been just fine. i do like how victoria was at the end at prom, but that shit would not go unnoticed by edward, or alice for that matter, so kind of off. in the book they didnt kill anyone in forks.

bella escaping from jasper and alice.... yeah, not dramatic at all. they never even went to the airport!! and no special little cellphones that they all communicated to each other with.

it was amazing when stephenie meyer was at the diner! (second time, when the waitress talks to charlie about the murder).

what happened to bella cooking dinner every night? i guess the diner has better food.... but every night? seriously?

loved jasper and emmett. what cuties. alice-- yeah, i knew she would be awesome :)

too much running around, and dramatic staring in silence with pretty scenery. there was too much time building up the woodlands of forks that could have been time spent on edward and bella.

i think jacob is adorable and couldnt be more perfect for that role. all ackward and shy, hahah! LOVE it.

when edward couldnt stop from killing bella. that was dumb. also, i liked it better when she blacked out in the fight scene.

at the car accident, wasnt that other dude supposed to be all bloody and shit? yeah, one drop of blood on his forhead. ahem.

and that glare between edward and jacob at the end! omg i loved that shit! i was laughing so loud! haha. im glad that jess, mike and eric brought so much comedy to the movie. yeah, it was cheesy shit, but you couldnt help but laugh.


yeah, i dont know. i think thats it. im exhausted, and its time for bed.

i was captured by the chinese, and i was sentenced to work in their little factory the rest of my life. i made a new friend named quill and she told me to make sure to avoid eye contact, or they would kill me. i wondered if death would be better than spending the rest of eternity in this place, but i had a new friend, so it was all good. we both discovered that we loved tokio hotel, and that made the days go faster. one day while i was working on the floor of the store, with the clothing, i saw someone very tall walk by. i look up and its michael phelps. i ask him if i can touch him, and he looks at me funny but extends his hand. i touch his hand, and its cold and smooth, like someone would expect a swimmer's hand would feel. i told him i wanted to touch him cos my friends and i had a bet on who could touch michael phelps first (???), and he started laughing. he was so nice, we stood there and talked for awhile. i told him i saw him in here all the time, and he said cos the clothes were cheap. i told him i was stuck here, and he said 'oh that sucks! im sorry'. just then quill came up and grabbed my arm, and started running, yelling back to michael 'sorry! she has to come with me!' we get into a jeep, with her cousin driving the car. we were breaking out of this prision for none other than tokio hotel! they had a concert that had just finished, so we drove to where the busses would be. tobi said we could go through, so we drove up to the bus, and knocked on the door. bill called for us to come in. omg it was so amazing! me quill and her cousin just sat around talking to the guys about everything imaginable. tom and i went off on our own to talk, to his bunk. i looked at his right cheek, and there was a blue treble staff there. i asked him if it was a piercing. i figured that it would just be a stud, but he showed me how it was connected to a rod then went all the way up to his eye, all the way through his face. he asked me if i wanted to put it back in for him. i told him i didnt want to hurt him, but he said it would be fine. we went back to the rest of them, and kept talking. quill kept looking at me like i had just had sex with tom, which really pissed me off. georg was nowhere to be seen the entire dream, but i didnt try and dwell on it since i was having such a fun time with all our new friends. i kept talking about how pink was coming over to my house later, because my dad was setting up a computer for her in our basement, and i wouldnt shut up about how there used to be an exclamation mark in her name as the I but now it was just spelled like the color. everyone pretended to be interested, but i knew they werent. bill said he really loved pink, and i was lucky to have her as a family friend. bill said he wanted our picture to put up, cos we were cooler than all the other fans. i took out a huge picture i had blown up of me and ashley. i handed it to bill, and said 'this girl right here in this picture? she loves you more than quill ever could.' she looked over at me like she wanted to cuss me out, but didnt want to be embarassed in front of the guys. bill asked who was in the picture, and i said my best friend ashley. 'she would be here too if she had been captured and enslaved by the damn chinese fucks like we were!' gustav got really mad and i thought it was because of the language i was using, but he had heard about shit like that happening on the news, and he wanted to save us. 'you guys can stay with us until all of this is figured out.' i walked off the bus and lit up a cigarette, and called ashley

then i woke up